Choosing Alignment Over Burnout with Valerie Friedlander

In this episode, sisters Amy and Nancy Harrington, founders of the Passionistas Project, interview Valerie Friedlander, an ICF professional certified coach. Valerie discusses her passion for connection and community, her journey from performer to coach, and her philosophy on energy leadership. She shares insights on empowering women to navigate life and career transitions, the importance of discerning one's true desires, and how to lead with compassion. The conversation touches on the role of relationships, overcoming imposter syndrome, and actionable tips for getting unstuck and achieving clarity.

Listen to the full episode HERE.

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ON THIS EPISODE

[00:33] Meet Valerie Friedlander: A Journey of Passion and Purpose

[02:10] The Power of Connection and Community

[05:12] Valerie's Early Influences and Education

[09:45] Career Transitions and Discovering Coaching

[15:34] The Philosophy of Coty Wimple

[20:31] Energy Leadership and Coaching Techniques

[25:33] Common Challenges and Success Stories

[34:43] Tips for Overcoming Overwhelm

[38:58] How to Connect with Valerie

[39:33] Valerie's Podcast and Final Thoughts

[41:44] Join the Passionistas Project Sisterhood

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Passionistas: Hi, we're sisters Amy and Nancy Harrington, founders of the Passionistas Project, where we believe that every woman deserves to be seen, heard, and celebrated. Our mission is simple but powerful to give women a platform to tell their unfiltered stories, the stories that inspire, challenge, and break the silence around what it really means to follow your Passionistas.

On each episode, we have conversations about courage, authenticity. The messy, beautiful journey of living life unapologetically. Today we're talking with Valerie Friedlander, an ICF professional certified coach who helps high achieving women navigate major life and career transitions in a way that's deeply aligned with their values.

So success actually feels meaningful. With over a decade of experience and a unique blend of coaching, mediation, and somatic healing, Valerie shares powerful insights on leading, living, and thriving on your own terms. We're so excited to have you here today, Valerie.

Valerie Friedlander: Thank you for having me. It's always a pleasure having conversations with you two.

Passionistas: So all those things we mentioned in the intro, what are you most passionate about?

Valerie Friedlander: Oh, gosh. Most passionate about? So I, I am. I'm a very passionate person. I'm an Aries Sunshine, so like all the fire I'm I, I am really passionate about connecting with people, though I think that's probably the thing that's keeping me going in all of the things going on.

It's the times of connection, and it might be in my work where as a coach, working with people, supporting them, connecting with their Passionistas and what's important to them, and figuring out where they're going and what they're doing. And it might also be community building, connecting with my community, doing things with my kids' school.

Just having conversations with friends, anything that involves people. I'm, I'm a big people person, so. I think that's probably the thing I'm most passionate about.

Passionistas: Yes. We've been heavily promoting community in the chaos.

Valerie Friedlander: Absolutely. It's so necessary. We live in this society that's all about individualism and separating us more and more and more from each other, and I think that's on this kind of esoteric level, I think that's actually the.

The root of the problem is that we're so disconnected from each other and from ourselves and from our planet, and this isolation is causing on this very basic biological level, a degradation in ourselves. So that's. People connecting. Even if you're an introvert. I think there are a variety of ways of connecting and I, I don't love the categorizing of like introvert, extrovert.

I think it depends on who you're connecting with, where you're connecting, what your need is. How. Full. Are you of connecting, like do you need more connecting with yourself time and connecting with other, like having that sense of what your needs are versus going, I'm this or I'm that. I think that's, that's just kind of my approach is like, well, if we took it outside of that label, like, and you actually checked in with yourself, what do you need right now?

Passionistas: So where does this love of connection and community come from? Is this something that was ingrained in you as a kid?

Valerie Friedlander: Um, I, I mean, I think it's really just kind of part of who I am. I've always been a people person, and I would say, because early on I was very much a performer, so it's very much like, let me perform for you, let me entertain you, let me.

Play and come up with ideas and create this whole thing. I remember very, very clearly being the person on the playground who's like, okay, now we're playing my little ponies and we're gonna do this, and like so doing these sorts of interactive ideas. And so maybe I would throw in their creativity, like idea generation.

Creativity is also another passion, but I think that. I like that best in tandem with another person or other people. I think I have lots of great ideas in my own head, but I think what I've grown into is realizing that those ideas only go so far when I'm not generating with other people and that. I think is one of the most exciting things of like, I had this idea, this is one of the things I love about podcast interviews, whether I'm doing one on my podcast or whether I'm going onto somebody else's podcast.

Those conversations, they go places and you're like, wow, that was such a cool idea. I wouldn't have thought of that if you hadn't asked that question, or I wouldn't have put it in that way if we hadn't been talking about this thing and that thing that you said sparked this thing in me and it's just so generative. Yeah.

Passionistas: Did you have role models or mentors growing up that sort of helped shape your ideas about leadership and coaching?

Valerie Friedlander: In terms of role models and my work, my parents were really powerful role models and not because they did that kind of work or they were in any way perfect. Far, far from it. And I think.

Watching them do work on themselves, watching them get stuck and struggle, and then go and find communities of support, and they found different spiritual communities of support is really what it, it came down to. My dad found a 12 step. Community. My mom found a, a more, um, nature based spiritual community.

They both, uh, were Quakers. I was raised in a Nashville friends meeting, and so that's, for those who don't know, Quakers is actually a, originated as a slur for the religious society of friends.

Passionistas: no, that,

Valerie Friedlander: no, we've embraced it. So like, it's not bad to say, oh, those Quakers, but like, but it, it was originally.

Slur. So, um, but that's, I was also raised in that community, so I think being around adults who recognized the importance of connecting with other people for growth, for healing, for, for being in the world, I think that is probably where it originated. And I, I mean, over the years I've had other people, teachers, mentors.

In different training programs in different spaces. I also found a lot of support for a long time in 12 step groups. And so I think those, those were probably the foundational pieces.

Passionistas: So when it came time for you to go to college, where did you go and what did you study?

Valerie Friedlander: So I was originally going to get a BFA. So Bachelor of Fine Arts. I wanted to act, but I also wanted to do costume design, and I was told by every BFA program, I checked out that I could only do one. And doing both would be too much. I, I would not be able to do both it. So I had to pick and I did not want to pick. And my grandmother. Was a alum of Oberlin College and she was then living there.

She helped found a retirement community in the, in the town. And she's like, you should come to Oberlin. I was like, no, no thanks. And then she got me an interview with the, um, person in the, um, words are not coming to me in the theater department. And he was like, yeah, you can totally do both here. And I was like, oh, well I guess I'm going there then.

So I went to Oberlin College 'cause I was a legacy. You know, these, these colleges, there are certain things that like, I just, I had good grades. I was a legacy. I knew they'd let me in. So that was the only college I applied to. And. Then when I got there, I thought, well, I'm going to major in theater, and my mother was like, I think you'd find sociology really interesting as I'm trying to figure out, well, what am I filling my schedule with?

She's like, I think you should take a sociology class. So I did. I took a class called Deviance, discord and Dismay, and it was taught by the city prosecutor who was also, uh. Professor at the college and it just blew my mind. I was like, this is amazing. And I ended up being a sociology major, theater minor. I still did the theater stuff and I actually met my husband in the theater department. But I majored in sociology. I did an honors thesis studying, well, it was based in the confessional nature of first kisses in film.

Passionistas: Ooh.

Valerie Friedlander: Because there are certain things you just can't study other than film.

And so first kisses being one of them, and that idea of how that connection between people and how we confess something about ourselves when we open ourselves to that moment where we lean in and. Whether it happens or not and what happens, all of that. So anyway, that was, so I thought that was my trajectory, but I didn't wanna deal with the politics of a college and being a professor.

So then I. You know, had a liberal arts degree. What do you do with a liberal arts degree? Well, I moved to California and started working at a law firm because, you know, I did all this stuff in law thinking maybe I would become a lawyer, which was not a good fit. Did acting stuff there. Found a, found a job that I started climbing the ladder.

'cause I'm good with people. And that worked really well for me. Management, people, management. I was really good negotiating contracts, all of the corporate business stuff, just really good at it because of my people skills. But I wasn't really happy and I thought, and that I had kids and that always, I always use it the analogy of like when you have kids, it's like.

Even if you think you've got the puzzle together, they're like the piece you put in and all the other puzzle pieces kind of pop outta place and you're like, what just happened? Something must not have been put together correctly. And I thought maybe the per it was me that hadn't been put together correctly.

And I hadn't done enough work on myself. I hadn't done enough therapy, I hadn't done enough other whatever drug, my husband to therapy. I went to therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and it helped, but. It was like something still wasn't quite right. And then I started exploring careers and I was like, okay, what do I actually wanna do?

What am I passionate about? Because I'm skating by on this, like this is working, this is paying the bills, this is doing the things that, but it's like exhausting me and burning out. What do I really wanna be doing? Got trained as a mediator 'cause I'd done that work in college. Um, helping create a dialogue center at Oberlin and.

That was like, oh, you have to be an entrepreneur to do this. I was like, I don't wanna be an entrepreneur. And then I talked to somebody who'd become a coach in, in organizations and I thought, well, that sounds like it. And I went to get trained as a coach through an ICF certified program, because corporate wants you to have all the credentials, right.

So I did that, and in that program, that was when I went, oh. This is what I was looking for when I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong and where I had screwed up and where I hadn't fixed myself enough. This is the piece of really getting to the roots of what is it that I want in life, and that was like, oh, and it also ties into all my spiritual work, all of the, the idea that.

We need beyond just our own head to like understand the, the idea of a discernment process. That was something that's always something that's been really important to me over my life is, uh, Quakers have something called a clearness committee where you sit with other people and they ask you questions to help you get clear on what you are really led to do.

I was like, this is like that. This ties into my spiritual space. This ties into sociology, this ties, this ties into my management. This ties into all the things. And so that was when it really connected of, okay, this is what I'm meant to do right now, is work with other people who are in that place of, I have put together my life in a way that worked, but it's not what I want and I'm burning out doing it.

So something's gotta give and I don't know what it is. So that's, that's the, that's the journey to hear

Passionistas: trajectory. Yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: And that was 10 years ago, so here we are.

Passionistas: Wow. It's funny, you know what, that it's the same thing for us, and I feel like for so many women that we've talked to, that your journey along the way, you pick up all these little pieces and odds and ends of skills and information and education and.

Along the way, you don't really know why. Like those things are important. And then one day you wake up and you're like, oh my God. That's why I did all of those things, because here I am, they're all playing into it, and now I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And I feel like so many women go through that journey and it's amazing.

Valerie Friedlander: Yeah. Well, and I will say that even after that moment, it's still been a lot of moments of, what the heck am I doing?

Passionistas: Oh yeah.

Valerie Friedlander: Alright, where do I go now? What am I doing with this? Oh shoot, I really missed that. Like I thought this was the thing and, and it certainly wasn't, but I got these things from it.

And so, okay, now what are we doing? And there's been so much of that and. So that's, that's been, I think, you know, I always wanted to have that, like, aha, all right, now, you know, the burning bush moment, like now it's all clear and it's just not like that. So, but I think, I think what's been really helpful in the coaching, training and learning those tools has been the idea of the journey that what I'm building isn't about.

A specific end point or I'm, I, I got it. I found the career. I am doing the thing or whatever. It's about how I choose and recognizing each moment is a choice. And I can also not choose sometimes. Sometimes I can be like, I don't know. And that's okay too. So like being in that space of becoming myself all the time, uh, and it ties to one of my colleagues years back told me about this word.

It's a British slang word, and it's become my favorite word, and it is coty. Wimple. Not only is it an amazing word, but it's got an amazing meaning. Kati Wimple is to walk intentionally toward an unknown destination.

And so that's what I try and do is I don't know where I'm going, but I know generally when I take a moment, what direction I'm going in, and then all the best that I can do is the best that I can do in each moment, taking the next indicated step and being as intentional as I am able to walk. The way I am gonna walk.

Yeah.

Passionistas: How do you take that Coty, Wapping Ling, that's the word, philosophy, and, and apply that to the work you do with your, uh, clients.

Valerie Friedlander: Well, I think it's kind of the root of it really. It's helping people. Discern and learn the process of discerning, and there is a lot of pieces. 'cause along the way, one of the things that I've learned, I, I took at several trainings in somatics because there's only so much that you can process cognitively.

And so the root of my coaching has always been action based. It's one of the things I like about coaching is that it's action based. It's not, we're not just rehashing, we're not just thinking about things. We are taking action to start teaching. Something else to be able to receive new information. 'cause if you're not doing something different, then you're not gonna get new information.

And sometimes it's doing something different and thinking about it differently, but it's also being in touch with what's happening in your body in those moments and what's going on so that you can be intentional. Like, oh, I'm having an activation and I'm telling this story about myself, or I'm telling a story about this situation and what do I.

Wanna do with that story because I can't necessarily change the activation that I'm having, but I can recognize that I'm having an activation and it might not actually be the story that I'm telling, the story that I'm telling is what I learned to take care of myself when I have that activation. But maybe I could try a different story and.

Do something different and see what happens. And so when I'm just that much more aware of myself, then I can walk with more intentionality instead of reactivity. And so that's a core component of the work that I'm doing is, okay, let's, let's understand what's happening here. Let's honor it. And not just try and be like, don't feel that way, don't do that.

Like, we're not just fight. I, I'm very much not a. Like fight yourself sort of person. I prefer the let's care, let's, let's hold a lot of compassion because exactly what you're doing, all the patterns in your life are there for a reason and so. You get to choose what you do with them though. And a lot of times we don't realize where we have choices.

So unpacking, opening up those spaces of choice so that you could choose to keep doing the same thing or you could choose something different. No judgment, it's just a choice. And that's. I just, I love patterns. That's what I loved about sociology. That's what I love about coaching. It's all people patterns, and they all relate to each other.

The, the bigger social patterns, the individual patterns, they have an impact. And so when we can go, oh, this is a social pattern that I've been conditioned with, what do I wanna do with it? What's the world that I want? And what's one thing that I could do that feeds into that world? Because the macro influences, the micro influences, the macro, you know, we're, there's a flow there.

And so that's what I define empowerment as is choice. And knowing that it's, you're creating a ripple no matter what. There's always a ripple. So that's, that's where my work, you know, cotti, WM pulling is, is what it's all about. 'cause we can't know exactly where we're going. But we can know the pattern we're participating in, and we can know the pattern that that participation feels like and looks like in us.

And then we can choose what pattern we wanna be participating in and what that could feel like in us. And then we get to experiment with, okay, well what, what changes that? What, what keeps it the same? What do we want? It's all, it's all an experiment.

Passionistas: So tell us about the principle of energy leadership and how that integrates into what you do.

Valerie Friedlander: Yeah, so that was part of the training that I got, which I, speaking of Kati Ling, when I picked the training that I went to, it was very much, okay, I want a training that is going to get me certified with the International Coaching Federation. I want a training that has at least some in person. 'cause I learn better in person and I want a, a training that fits when I'm available.

And there was only one that did that. So I was like, well that's the one. I will sign up for that one. And. It also came with this training around an assessment, which is the Energy Leadership Index assessment, and what I like about that, 'cause I've always pushed back against personality assessments as I recall earlier, labeling myself as an Aries.

I enjoy these things. I think they can be fun ways of understanding ourselves, but I think they can also lead to causing limitations of who we are. We are so conditioned with putting ourselves into boxes. It's very hard not to go, well, I am this, I am that. But when you have an understanding of. These are things to understand who we are and to explore how we want to be.

Energy leadership rather than being a personality thing is an attitudinal thing. It's about kind of, if you get, um. Uh, micro with it, we're, we're vibrating energy. We're all just vibrating energy and how we lead, how we lead ourselves, how we lead other people is how we vibrate. So, I'm gonna vibrate my way out of bed in a particular vibration.

I'm gonna vibrate in interacting with you in a vibration, and that's gonna have an influence over. How you are vibrating, we're gonna have an impact there. And so the more aware you are of those dynamics, the more choice you have, whether you can necessarily change the vibration in that moment, you can at least watch the pattern unfold and explore.

Well, if I vibrated this way, what would, what might that be like? I use it, um, to be. Less vague. I'll use an analogy of colors. So there are seven levels of energy in this framework, and so I, I like to give them colors, but that, that gives a, a framework. So if I see through a level four. Then I know that if I'm looking at a, this other level, I might see it this way.

What if I looked at it through a level five so that that'll be the, the way I do it. So if we used colors and be like, well, I look through a blue lens. My attitude looks, goes through blue, and I see this green thing over there. I'm like, oh, green has been so dangerous in my life. I don't like green. I am going, I, I might freeze, or I might flee or, and then I go, wait a second.

I know I look through blue. How green is that really? Like my, my lens has become blue over the years. Like if that's like, what if that was yellow? What might I do differently if it were yellow? How interested am I in knowing if that's yellow? Because I might not care. I might be like, eh, that is not that important because my Passionistas are over here, so I don't even need to deal with that.

But if I wanted to go that way and I wasn't going that way, and I'd be like, well, what could I try to explore? If that might be yellow instead of green. And so being able to recognize that, again, it accesses choice, I can explore that or what color might that look if I looked through level two and this, you know, red lens, what might be different.

So it just allows me to explore and experiment and come up with. Well, what would I like to try and put that together for myself instead of just automatically going,

Passionistas: Nope,

Valerie Friedlander: don't do that. So. Yeah, so that's, that's the idea of energy leadership is, is understanding that energy. And I love that assessment because it's just a different way of looking at things and it gives this framework that can be really helpful.

So I use that in all my coaching packages, but I also offer it like, just as a, a standalone thing for people. 'cause I've had people who were like, this was so helpful and I took it and worked with my therapist around this idea, or a business coach or whoever. Even just on my own, I use it to be able to access more choice in my life. So it, it's less boxy.

Passionistas: So who are the kind of people that you work with and what kind of common themes do you find that people are dealing with right now?

Valerie Friedlander: So. The people that I tend to work with are people, I, I say high achieving women, but it's really often women in demanding careers. So women who are dealing with a lot of pressures and because they're high achieving right in another label, they're gonna push through.

But usually they've gotten to a point where pushing is just not. It's not cutting it. They've experienced a certain amount of success, but success doesn't feel successful. Right. And it might even be that they really like what they do. And that's something that's come up of, I really like what I do, so what am I doing wrong?

Uh, I, I've worked with more recently, it's, it tends to be women in male dominated spaces who are pushing back against the norms and. Realizing, well, they might not have realized yet that they've internalized a lot, but usually the stuff that I see is around like imposter syndrome, confidence stuff, things that I wanna do something different, but I don't know what I wanna do.

I just know that what I'm doing isn't working well. Sometimes they know they wanna change a career, but. Again, what? So it kind of varies, but it's usually something related to, I want to figure out what it is that I want. 'cause I, I'm so overwhelmed by all the things and all the messages and all the to-dos.

I can't get clear. And then the other piece is confidence. And of course when you have more clarity, you're going to have more confidence. One of the things that we'll unpack is courage. Sometimes we want confidence. What we really need is courage. And because like you're not gonna have confidence doing something you haven't done before.

So having courage and sometimes it's learned. Lack of confidence, and that's really more of the messaging that we receive from around us, that you don't belong here, you don't have what it takes. And it's sometimes it's direct, sometimes it's indirect, but then we've gone and pathologized it by giving it a.

Name called imposter syndrome, which really most of the time has more to do with how we've learned to understand signals. I'll give you an example with one client, she was getting activated with a sense of imposter syndrome and we explored When does that happen? When do you feel that sense of you or an imposter?

You are, you don't really know what you're talking about. And as we looked, she realized it's when she's talking to somebody and they stop looking at her, they start looking elsewhere, like they've gotten distracted and they're not paying attention anymore. And that's when it activates is when she starts thinking, oh, I'm not answering correctly.

I must not know what I'm talking about. I'm not. And because it was just so. Internal, she didn't even realize that that, that there was a trigger to when it was activating and that that trigger had to do with an assumption. That she was making about why the other person was looking away and that it must be her, that she's not interesting enough, that she's not knowledgeable enough.

And so we explored that and started alright. That whole like what could we try to see how true that is? And it was. Asking when she noticed somebody is looking away, she notices the story. Instead of assuming and going off of, I must not know what I'm talking about, asking, Hey, is something going on? I noticed you're a little distracted.

And so opening that up to be a way of connecting instead of assuming and gathering more information so that, because if you're just, I'm just not good enough in that kind of context, you will never be good enough. There will never, because people get distracted. So there will never be a time where you can overcome that if you don't understand what the activation is.

So those are the little things that, that wasn't what she came to me around. She came to me around some certain habits in her life. But those are the things that start to pop up regularly that are those little bits that that small change makes a huge difference in how somebody feels in their work and even in their home life.

Passionistas: Can you share, um, like maybe one of your proudest transformation stories with a, with a client?

Valerie Friedlander: Ooh, they're, they're so different and unique, um, because I have some people who work with me for a long period of time and some people who do short periods of work. So, um, I think, I think one of the ones. And I struggle with the term proud.

I, I am proud of the people that I work with. I know that I am part of that work, but they're the ones who are showing up and doing the work. So that's another, I was like, what is it about this question that kind of. And it's always be, and, and I actually, somebody gave me a review that was like, I know she'll say that I did it, but, and it's, it's true because my clients are the ones who are showing up and doing the work and.

There was one client who came to me around wanting to build a new business as an artist, and she's so passionate about what she was doing, but she just could not do the things that she wanted to do. And as we worked on what was going on, we started to unpack some relational dynamics that were coming up that were really.

Blocking her from taking action and, and the action that she took wasn't even actually to start. A business is an artist. That's what she, and what she thought she wanted to do, but it's really, it was a passion of hers, but it wasn't meant to be her work, at least at this particular point in time. So it wasn't, this is why I always hesitate to like promise outcomes.

I'm not gonna tell you you're gonna start a six figure business or you're gonna do this, that, or the other thing. Because sometimes what we think we want isn't actually what we want when we start to look at. Well, the reasons why we want those things, but I am particularly proud of that one because she, she kept showing up and really being willing to look at what was going on for her, that she wasn't taking action, and to look at some of those darker corners that are hard to look at and go, you know what?

This relationship that I have with this family member. Is really influencing what I want and I am not able to get clear because it's so impactful that I can't. So creating boundaries around that relationship and. That helped really get clean. She, she ended up moving and finding another space for herself, buying a house.

Like there were so many things that she was able to do because we, we ended up having to do some boundary work and it, it created, so that's the one I think I'm most. Proud, but I mean, there's so many, I mean, I have a, I have a client who built a, a big business for herself and we started working together and she was just doing like consulting stuff and then she, now she does the.

I don't wanna, I can't say, because then I'll give away who she is because she's actually a fairly known person at this point. But, um, the, the structure that she's built doing something so different in a space that is very male dominated, that is very like. Activating and building in a way that is in alignment with her values and really not compromising those and constantly checking in and going, okay, what is an alignment for me?

Because these industry people are telling me I have to do this or. This is the way we do things and how are you so big when you're not doing these things that all these other people are doing that is actually feeding into some really disruptive stuff in the world? And she's like, this is how I do it, because this is what's important.

This is what matters. So that's another one. Like the, there's the small scale and there's like the really big scale, so different, but. I mean, I'm really proud of all my clients. They do really cool things. I get to work with the most amazing people. Not to put anybody off, if you're not feeling amazing, you don't have to feel amazing to work with me.

When we first started working, they weren't feeling amazing, but  they were.

Passionistas: they were. Yeah, I mean, it's a real testament to the work you do with them. Um, so, because there are so many different people that come to you for different things, I know this might be hard to answer, but are there like a handful of tips or a co a couple of tips that you give to people right away when they first come to you that might be helpful to the people that are listening?

Valerie Friedlander: Yes, actually, because it's all related and because of the type of women that I work with, I work with passionate women who really wanna make a difference in the world. And so one of the things that happens when they're stuck, 'cause that's usually that feeling of I, I wanna either get to the next level or I wanna make a change.

That stuck feeling can be overwhelming and it's really hard to see. What's next? So one is to know that overwhelm and inaction go hand in hand. It's a natural thing. There's nothing wrong with you. If you're feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelm indicates that something feels bigger than you. When something feels bigger than you, you're, you're going to freeze up.

You're going to hide, you're going to not take action, and your focus is also likely to be on the thing that is overwhelming. Because you need to be hyper-focused on that to protect yourself. These are survival things, so nothing wrong with you, totally normal thing. And when you know that's what's going on and you know that you are actually safe, and that's another piece.

'cause sometimes something isn't safe and we need to. Be able to recognize that, but it, assuming you are actually safe going, okay, let me, let me get in my space. Let me feel where I am. Be in a space that feels safe to you and take a look at, well, if this wasn't here, what, what would I have? If I, if I weren't stressed, 'cause people say I wanna be less stressed, I want the, I don't want this.

And we tend to focus on the thing that we don't want. 'cause it's overwhelming. So if you didn't have that, what would you have? And just asking a question like that can start. You might not know the answer yet, but like it can start kind of peeking around the corner of the overwhelm and then the next thing.

So asking, you know, if I, if it was, if I didn't have that, what would I have? And then I encourage taking a look at, uh, I'll call it a vision, but like, how do you want to experience life? What or how do you wanna experience life? How do you wanna show up to life? So it's like, what do you want coming in? What do you want going out from you?

And what impact do you want that to have? Because that's, that's the, the testing ground of like, you know, you might not make that impact, but like, that's how you see is. Is it working or not? And those are the, rather than future focused, if you can ground in those three things, that gives you a sense of something to check, well, is this action, you know?

And pick one thing, is that in alignment with this, because the way you do something. Makes a difference to what you get. You know, people, the, the Machiavellian is like, the ends justify the means, well, the, the means actually create the end, like the means create the path that you're going on. So knowing, having that checkpoint of like, what, how do you wanna experience life?

How do you wanna show up? What difference do you want to have to make in the world? And checking in on those things are, is a, creates a really good foundation for what you want. So. So those are my, those are my tips. Take a moment, get in a space. 'cause your system's activated, feels overwhelmed. The freeze is normal.

When you're overwhelmed, ask a question to explore like, well, what else could be here? And then grounding, then go further. What do you want to be here and what's the next indicated step that's in alignment with that thing that that experience.

Passionistas: So how can people get in touch with you if they wanna work with you?

Valerie Friedlander: Well, I, my website is valeriefreelander.com and that has all the information that you could want to know. I have a podcast also called Mindset Unlimited. It's on break right now, um, till at least February. I'm still figuring out where, when that's gonna start back up. But I have a whole five seasons of episodes you can go check out and that can all give you a good sense of me.

And then on all the socials periodically, but I am under unlimited Coach. Val,

Passionistas: tell everybody a little bit more about your podcast.

Valerie Friedlander: My podcast is for women who are essentially the people that I work with who want to be empowered in themselves and with an understanding of the social systems that influence.

How we understand our power. So I explore all kinds of things. I have interviews, um, the two of you have been on my podcast, and I also have some solo episodes where I share my thoughts on things. One of my favorites more recently was talking about empathy in that whole conversation about is empathy going to save us or is it destroying us?

And all that. I, I tear that apart, you know? Very interesting way and, and then I also have some coaching episodes where you can get a sense of what it sounds like to work with me.

Passionistas: So we have one last two part question.

Valerie Friedlander: Okay.

Passionistas: What is your dream for yourself and what is your dream for women?

Valerie Friedlander: Hmm. My dream for myself is to be doing what my gifts are in service.

Of the world that I want to create and, and it's not necessarily just my coaching gifts, my ability to hold space, but also my creative gifts. I still love to sew and I still love all the artistic things. So, um, but to, to be in my gifts and to be able to contribute to the world in my gifts and my dream for women is to.

Essentially to change our understanding of leadership, to make leadership about compassion and care for each other, to be able to really own our power and our hearts, and change our, change, our society's understanding of what, what strong leadership looks like.

Passionistas: Thanks for listening to the Passionistas Project Podcast.

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