Exploring Pleasure and Empowerment with Melanie Bonk

In this episode of the Passionistas Project, sisters Amy and Nancy Harrington talk with Melanie Bonk, a certified love, sex, and relationship coach, somatic trauma therapist, and pleasure revolutionary. Melanie shares her journey and mission to help women and couples overcome shame, heal past traumas, and awaken their pleasure. She discusses how her childhood, personal experiences, and formal education led her to this path. Melanie also talks about common challenges in relationships, the importance of soulful communication and emotional intelligence, and practical exercises to enhance pleasure and connection. She emphasizes the significance of self-love, spiritual practice, and customized approaches to coaching. Melanie's work is rooted in a blend of science and soul, aiming to normalize conversations about pleasure and help individuals reclaim their birthright to pleasure and empowerment.

Listen to the full episode HERE.

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ON THIS EPISODE

[00:00] Welcome to the Passionistas Project

[00:32] Introducing Melanie Bonk

[01:13] Melanie's Journey to Passion

[03:15] Childhood Influences

[04:24] College and Career Beginnings

[05:53] Transition to Full-Time Parenting

[06:42] Discovering Love, Sex, and Relationship Coaching

[07:38] The Power of Somatic Therapy

[18:41] Sacred Sexuality and Tantra

[19:43] Success Stories and Client Transformations

[22:34] Reconnecting with Desire

[23:47] Personal Growth Through Client Work

[24:40] Common Misconceptions About Sex Coaching

[25:37] Practical Tips for Sexual Connection

[28:37] Embracing Pleasure in Menopause

[33:30] Balancing Soul and Science in Sexuality

[35:38] Normalizing Conversations About Sex

[37:26] Impact of Social Media on Sexuality Work

[38:43] How to Connect and Work with Me

[42:14] Dreams for Abundance and Empowerment

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Passionistas: Hi, we're sisters Amy and Nancy Harrington, founders of the Passionistas Project, where we believe that every woman deserves to be seen, heard, and celebrated. Our mission is simple but powerful to give women a platform to tell their unfiltered stories. Stories that inspire challenge, and break the silence around what it really means to follow your passion.

On each episode, we have conversations about courage, authenticity, and the messy, beautiful journey of living life unapologetically. Today we're talking with Melanie Bonk, a certified love, sex and relationship coach, somatic trauma therapist, and unapologetic pleasure, revolutionary. She's on a mission to help women and couples ditch shame, heal old patterns, and awaken their raw radiant power.

Hint, it lives in your pleasure. With nearly three decades of lived partnership and motherhood, she brings equal parts science, soul, and SAS to every conversation. Melanie is here to remind you that pleasure isn't a luxury, it's your birthright. So please welcome Melanie Bach. We're so excited to have you here and have this conversation.

Ah,

Melanie: thank you. I'm so grateful to be here.

Passionistas: Excellent. So Melanie, what are you most passionate about?

Melanie: Uh, I mean, I think the intro said it, I'm most passionate about bringing folks into their bodies, connecting them to their pleasure, and just this like energetic flow that is available in our bodies, in our hearts, uh, and then connected to the earth and the cosmos.

I mean, it's just all so juicy and I'm just, it fills me to the brim.

Passionistas: So what led you to this passion?

Melanie: Um, well, I have always been, I was definitely raised by a mother who was pleasure forward and I'm just realizing that now how impactful that was for me growing up when I was talking to my sisters and clients and, you know, just friends.

Um, but I also witnessed when growing up. So much divorce. All of my parents, and I say all of it, which means parents and stepparents, they're all on their third marriage. Um, my grandparents divorced and so I knew that if I was ever going to actually commit to anybody, and of course as a wild child, I was never gonna do that.

Um. That it would be different. And so when I did find my beloved, when we had this magnetic like magic spark from day one, I was really determined to rewrite patterns of relationship to have a different kind of relationship. And I. Didn't want to sacrifice anything. So I wanted the deep love and I wanted pleasure and orgasms and bliss.

That lasted my whole entire life. And so I really started digging into the science behind what it takes to make a thriving relationship three decades ago. And you know, it really wasn't until the last. Five or six years that I realized that I have something that I could share with people, whether it's my experience or the tools that I've learned or the things that have really worked in our relationship and the coming home to my own body, which was that the whole journey on its own.

Um, and so that's just how I've kind of evolved and like stepped into what has always been it alive in my body. Just really stepped into it.

Passionistas: Yeah. That's amazing. So you mentioned your childhood. Let's take a little step back. Tell us about your childhood, where you grew up. Who were some of the people that influenced you the most?

Melanie: Hmm. I love that question. Um, well, I'm from Wisconsin. Go Pack. Go. Uh, so I'm from the Midwest. Um, but I was always in love with traveling and experiencing new places. Um, so, you know, people that influenced me most were like my mom, um, really these. Two women, uh, I can call them now, my lesbian ants. Um, these two women in my lives who ex exposed me to culture, to nature.

Um, like we would always do things like go to museums and music shows and orchestras and then like, just go crazy into rocks. And so they really also, um, inhibited my, or expanded my love for nature and culture. And so they were really big influences in my life, uh, growing up. But, you know, there was. Like I said, there was so much trauma with, um, divorce, uh, really that, uh, I would really felt abandoned as a little girl by people in my family.

Um, and so that really also shifted, um, my energy and shifted how I see things.

Passionistas: So when it was time for you to go to school, college, and all that stuff, what did you study? Were you at all interested in the, the world you're in now?

Melanie: No, I know. I first went for, like I said, I was just, I've always been obsessed with nature.

Um, so I was go, I went to school for natural resources. The very first semester I took a five credit biology class and failed my ass, like miserably. So I had to go on academic probation, had to retake classes, like the whole thing. Um, and I eventually found my way into the communication department. Um, and that was just like, I didn't, I didn't have to study for that.

Like, you know, all these, all these tools, marketing that just comes naturally to me. My, both my parents are in the realm of business and marketing. And so that was really easy. And so I, I found my way, but I was also like torn between the art department, um, which was awesome. And so I could have like, had two double majored with art, but.

And I went into corporate and I lived in the world of corporate for quite a few years and we actually had our first baby while I was still working in corporate. Um, and back then I worked out at my house, which was pretty. 2007. So that was pretty, pretty actually revolutionary. Um, and so I like would be nursing and on calls and it was really great.

And then we got pregnant with twins after that and my boss said, you know, I don't think this is gonna work for us. And I go, you know, I don't think it's gonna work for me either. Um, so then I stepped into being a full-time parent and. Like I said, as a wild child, I never even wanted kids. Um, and then I just took all of that like energetic force that I was putting into my career and put it into raising these incredible, incredible humans.

And so we've got four boys total, um, with, like I said, twins in the middle. And that was just a journey. I'm so grateful I got to be on that, that ride of being a mom and. That just to name the, you know, what do you do? Well, I, I stay at home. I'm a stay at home mom and just like that, almost like I would shrink inside of myself.

Ooh. I remember those. Just feeling that so hard. Um, and so I raised the boys for quite a while and then I actually saw this. Um, invitation to join a program that was love, sex, and Relationship Coaching. And I just said, husband, I think this is like what I wanna do when the kids are gone and he goes, this is what you need to do now.

Like, let's not, you don't need to wait, honey. Like you can do this all. And so I went. Went back and got a certification that was a two year certification. Um, it was just beautiful, of course, we're, we were first invited to go deep into ourselves and you know, like I said, I've always kind of been this pleasurable person, but I really didn't know the depths of my pleasure until I started to unpack.

The conditioning and the own shame I put on my body. Um, I didn't know the holistic tools of pleasure that we're all born with, like our breath, our movement, our sound. And so that was a whole awakening inside, inside of my body, inside of my life, completely changed how I show up as a parent, as a partner.

Um. And then working in this realm, I just found so many people, myself included, we were holding trauma, holding conditioning, holding those stories in our body. Um, one of the books that I love so much is The Body Keeps the Score and I naturally was in the realm of somatics. Like, what is your body telling you?

What is it saying? What is it holding onto? You're feeling shame and you can label it in your mind, but where is it in your. Body. Um, so then I went back and got my certification in somatic trauma therapy. And so that's, somatic work is just whew. 'cause you could understand it intellectually, but the embodiment and the change doesn't really happen until you're connected to those pieces of your body.

Passionistas: Yeah. Do you recall like a pivotal moment during that education journey that really helped you, um, you know, solidify that this was the mission you were meant to be on?

Melanie: I think one of the things that really. That unleashed this energy. My body was actually dipping into the things that I thought were bad or the emotions that I labeled as not good, or especially the ones that were taught as women not to feel.

So doing some swamping and some anger and some yelling, and really beating pillows. And, and just to let you know, at this point we were traveling in our rv, uh, we sold our house, we sold everything. Um, and so I was doing this homework like. In a cardboard box and I would, there'd be, we'd be like at RV parks and I'm like, okay, time to really like let it all out.

And like you're next to an RV park, you can hear your neighbor sneezing and you can say, bless you. And they say Thank you. So all across the country, I was doing this work in an RV and it was awesome. I would never change it. But um, you know, it was just stepping into it so unapologetically and even being in that space where I know strangers are walking by walking their dogs and hearing this woman yell in her rv, I just had to go for it.

And so it was that kind of momentum and. Intuition into just knowing that everything is sacred and holy. Even the pain and the trauma and the sorrow and the anger like that is our fire, and we are just taught to keep it down, hold it down.

Passionistas: What is some of the conditioning around this topic that we have ingrained in us?

Melanie: Oh, around pleasure. Um, I know for me, first of all, it was pleasure wasn't mine. Like a pleasure was something that I outsourced. And so stepping into that radical reclamation that my orgasm is. Is my responsibility actually. It's not my partner's responsibility. It's, it's not some, something that's outside of me.

I'm the source. And so that's, that's really for me. Uh, I was. So much in that realm where it was like, I mean, I'll, I'll still do this, like lay back and give me pleasure. Yes. But it's still, and that puts pressure on me, internally, on me as well as my partner. And so like stepping into that radical reclamation of claiming your pleasure for yourself.

But I mean, there's all kinds of conditioning in our bodies. We're not good enough. We're not thin enough. We're, I mean, I've had four babies. My boobs are down in my belly button. That's not good. That's not sexy. Uh, you know, like owning cellulite, I had to have a whole, created a whole new relationship with cellulite because, uh, you know, oh, I'm.

Fat. I don't look good. I don't look good in this outfit. But when you think about it, cellulite is a symbol that I'm a woman, symbol that I can have babies symbol. That I am this like fertile creator of the universe. Hell yeah. Look at my cellulite. It's amazing. And you know, it's constant work. It's not like you just switch over to self-love and self-acceptance and you do, that's it.

It's like forever gone. It's literally a daily basis. On a daily basis, I look at myself in the mirror. I look at the parts of my body that are judged the most, and I give them love and acceptance and compassion. First thing in the morning. I hold my body before I even get outta bed. I touch my womb space and I say, hi, I love you.

I'm here. I'm here for your wisdom. So it's a constant daily thing that we need to do because we're bombarded from. Society, culture, tv, religion, families, about all the reasons we're not good enough.

Passionistas: So talk about that transition from studying and learning about these things to becoming a coach and maybe some of the early moments that when you realized that you were gonna be able to impact people.

Melanie: Ooh, uh, yeah. I love that. Um. I mean, first you have to go through this hurdles of, uh, not good enough, not worthy enough. I'm, uh, what, I can't think of the word right now. Um, imposter syndrome. Like, whew. I mean, that's, that's a whole journey, especially when you're on business by yourself. Um. But those moments that really showed me the way are the moments where I can, where I connecting with my clients, where, where they're all of a sudden taking that breath and meeting themselves in a safe space for maybe their first time.

Or they're having that connection to heart and to pussy for the first time. And then it's like. Woo. You can just feel it energetically, you know, I do My, most of my clients are all, all over the world, and when they're having those moments, we're in this space together, this sacred container, and like I can feel it.

I'm, I'm also there giving them permission to keep going. And so it's those moments that just. Whew. They light up my heart and my soul. And you know, even with the New Year, I was like, I, there's no goal I need to get to professionally. I am helping individuals and couples like experience deep, deep, deep love and connection and pleasure.

And even if I only help one couple in a year, that's a victory. I'm so happy.

Passionistas: And do you tend to work with couples or individuals? How do people work with you?

Melanie: Both actually. Um, you know, uh. We have to, like I said, uh, for my journey in particular, like I had to heal myself and heal some of the, those underlying roots of conditioning and my own self-judgment, my own shame before I could even show up all the way with my partner, even though I'd been with him for like.

25 years, you know, 20, 22 years. At that point, I couldn't step into that space without myself, critic, that judgmental voice in my head. And so there's a lot of work that needs to be done individually, but then really not a lot of people show us how to be in successful, passionate partnerships. If our parents happen to be exceptional role models and teach us how to hold space and emotional intelligence, and, but most of us didn't have that growing up.

So when I work with couples, there's a lot of that upleveling of what I call soulful communication because, uh, what we say to one another, especially in intimate relationships, enters our body. We feel those words. So when we learn how to. Communicate with that soulful level when we are open-hearted and speaking from the heart as opposed to the frontal cortex where we're judging and criticizing.

It's such a difference when you're holding space for your partner without fixing or judging or, you know, trying to be, um. The person who is there just to listen, that that creates, I was, I'm a fixer, so when my husband would come home and tell me a story about work, he wouldn't even finish his story. And I'd be like, you know what you need to do, and.

So that, like, just those little shifts and now I can sit there and hold space and mirror back to him. Wow, I heard that you experienced X, Y, X, Y, Z at work, and it made you, I can understand how it made you feel A, B, C as opposed to, you know, 10 years ago I'd be like, well, I'll tell you how to, how to fix that problem.

So yeah, it's, it's definitely an. Um, it's about 50 50. Usually if I'm with individuals or with couples, and even sometimes couples come to me and then they realize that one person might need a little more healing than other, and then I work with that one person for a while, and then we come back together as couples.

So it's pretty organic and people tend to just know where they need work.

Passionistas: What are the most common challenges and issues that couples come to you with and is that. Usually the actual problem or is it digging deep or you find out it's something else?

Melanie: Uh, well, there's always that. It's never about the dishes is what I say.

Like if you have argument about the dishes or dinner or laundry, it's never about the actual dishes. It's under, there's so many currents of underlying, um, attention and needs and wants and desires that are really hard to express even when you're with your beloved. So usually, uh. Folks are coming to me because sex is shut down.

That's the problem that they see. But as I mentioned before, I really take all my couples through three different stages because communication is first. It's that soulful communication, learning how to be heard, how to be seen, how to feel safe, like completely opening up your heart and your desires. A lot of times people don't even feel safe in their partnerships to talk about the real heavy things.

So when we get those communication tools, then we move over to emotional intelligence, and that's where we get to step into taking. Real ownership of our own triggers, of our own pathways, of our own healing journeys. So we do practices like meet our inner children where, you know, sometimes couples haven't had those conversations with, what was your childhood like?

What did you see? What did you witness in relationship? What did you witness in communication style? Conflict resolution. And when we start to create more emotional intelligence around what's happening on the internal world, and then you get to see that in your partner. It's like getting a manual for your partner's insides.

And so like the communication and the emotional intelligence are. Setting up that like fertile soil. And then we get to plant the seeds of pleasure inside of that area. So then we move into what I like to call sexual rediscovery, where we're rediscovering what pleasure means for both of you as individuals.

And as a couple, we're, we're removing everything we've been learned and taught and seen. From tv, from movies, from family members, from porn, like we're detoxifying and returning to a holistic what it is that you wanna experience, and we're moving into really some sacred sexuality practices there, which just opens up your whole body to a different realm of pleasure.

Passionistas: And what are those? What are sacred sexuality?

Melanie: That's when we're mixing in, um, really spirituality in pleasure. So I practice, uh, the philosophy of tantra where, uh, everything is holy and sacred from this conversation and this group that we're having right now is a sacred moment, and we're all. Divinely intertwined in some way and found each other to when we're making love.

And that is inviting this life force energy into our bodies that's inviting Kundalini to arise in the bodies and opening up the chakras to pleasure. And that's really the gateway to full body orgasms, which every person is able to experience. And that for me is really the, um. Invitation, the catalyst to long-term sexual satisfaction and partnerships.

It's that opening up into such a deeper realm of emotions, thoughts, the desires and pleasure, and bringing in that sacred aspect.

Passionistas: Tell us a proud success story or two from people that you've worked with that have made. Really meaningful for you to do this work?

Melanie: Yeah, I would love to. Um, I have to pick just one.

Um,

Passionistas: no, no. Tell us as many as you want.

Melanie: Well, I would love to talk about a woman who came to me. They, this was a couple that came to me and they both wanted to experience better sex, but it turned out she had so much trauma in her body. She had sexual abuse. Um. Basically was sex trafficked as a young girl.

And, um, so we worked together one-on-one, and she is just beaming with confidence. Her worthiness is like above, you know, the above her head. She's just filled with worthiness. And when we started, she couldn't even, the word worth, she was uncomfortable saying because her trauma was so strong and so sh.

Slowly and surely we became so safe with each other. She could feel the safety that we were co-creating together and she could really step into those realms slowly and healing the body on that deep cellular level. That's the somatic work. 'cause you know, she'd done therapy. She understood why this is all here, but her body couldn't.

Literally embody what she wanted. And so that's just a beautiful journey that, that we've been on together for about a year and a half because it was so deep. And now she's able to receive oral pleasure, she's having orgasms, she's in her body, she's touching her body for herself every day. And it's just this beautiful connection to see her blossom and like root into the earth and just rise up and you know, when.

We do that as humans, as women, we are stepping into a whole nother level of worthiness everywhere else in our lives. So, you know, she was run over by everybody in her work and now she's stepping into her work with firm boundaries. She's stepping into her work with desires and knowing what she wants and what she doesn't want.

I like to say that when we are confident in the bedroom, we're confident in the boardroom, it really translates over. So that's a beautiful story, um, from a client. And then I actually just wrapped up with a couple that was from, I offer a free discovery call, so you know, we. I, I'm not gonna lie, I only wanna work with people that I wanna work with.

So it's a both way. Discovery call, if they like me. If I like them. Yeah. And from the very first discovery call, their sex life completely changed. She, the woman in the relationship, you know. She's like, after that one first call, everything felt different. His touch felt different. The pressure, the, the internal pressure that I was putting on myself to orgasm the, the pressure that I felt like from him to orgasm because I invited them just to take orgasm off the table, just like.

86 it. If you ever worked in wait, in, wait. I was a waitress. So 86 it, 86 orgasm altogether and just play, invite, play again, invite, surrender, invite, curiosity and fun back into your sex life without the pressure of orgasm. And from like that moment on, she's like, his touch felt different. I felt more at ease.

I was relaxed. And so. Then we've journeyed on much farther past that and they gained the communication skills and they were really embodying the what they desire. And that's like the main thing that all my clients were, were always working with their desires. So it's not like, Hey, I need to get you to fully orgasmic.

Blissful person. Nope. It's what do you desire? Do you desire just to surrender more? Do you desire to, I mean, it can be really specific. Do you desire to surrender an oral sex? Do you desire to have better sex? You know, do you desire for deeper connection? Maybe your sex is great, but your connection is really not there.

So it's, it's allowing so much space for your north individual North Star, because we're all different and have different patterns. So it's really beautiful to be so customized with, um, with the folks that I work with.

Passionistas: What have you learned about yourself that you've maybe taken back into your own relationship from working with other people?

Melanie: Um, so much, you know, so much about. Communication style so much about, there's every person I can relate with because we're just all human and really on this journey together. So bringing all that stuff back and, and then seeing where, you know, like how I mentioned I was such a fixer knowing and understanding my, my things that I'm bringing to the table.

I would. Spring in and, you know, put on my husband some of the abandonment issues and wounds that I had from a child. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not his responsibility. That's mine. And I am the only one that can meet me with that unconditional love. Um, so some of those aspects,

Passionistas: what do you think are the biggest preconceptions or things that people misunderstand about what you do?

Melanie: Um, well that. They, they already know everything. And then there's that preconception that we're just supposed to automatically know about sex. We're automatically just supposed to know about pleasure. You know, that's really funny. It tends to be men that say, oh, I don't need that. And the men that say that, I'm like, oh, you're probably the ones who need it the most.

It tends to be a lot of women saying, oh, I want this. And then the men had, you know, the men tend, tend to be a little bit further back and they're like, no, we're fine, we're good. Um, but that's their conditioning. You know, the, the overarching patriarchy hurts men just as much as it hurts women. So it's.

Yeah, a lot of like, we don't need this, or I already know everything, or just that. Like we know seconds. Put this in there and that's that.

Passionistas: What are some practical tips or exercises that you could share with the listeners that you. Um, in part to people who are kind of starting out on a journey with you.

Melanie: Um, one of the first things that I always invite all of my clients to, whether it's a couple or individual, is that, um, dismantling of I will love you unconditionally. And I know that you guys just read the book that I was in. Um, and I talk about this quite a bit. Um. But for me it was a huge revolution in my body to, see that for the first time, I'm the only one that can love me unconditionally.

That's not true. I took vows and it was in the vows actually, that I would love my partner unconditionally, and that is absolutely not true. I have got conditions, my partner has conditions. Um, so that flips the lid a lot on how you treat yourself. I, at least it did for me and that's what I'd guided my clients in.

And so it's understanding that like I am the only one on the whole planet that can love me unconditionally. I am the only one that can really fully accept all of me. I'm the only one that can show up in deep, deep compassion for every experience I've had. And that's like. Stepping into this new empowerment, stepping into like, I don't know if you, I don't know if I would call it adulthood, but stepping into like this full version of yourself that, that I guide every client's, like I said, couples or individuals into,

Passionistas: what do you say to clients that are. Anxious, nervous, timid, shy about talking about things like this.

Melanie: Ooh. I just invite them. I invite that timid. I invite the shyness. I invite the fear because it's, it's sacred and it's welcome. And usually those are our protector pieces and I never want to. Judge that or kick that out, or even the fear to say like, oh, you're not welcome here, or That means you're weak actually.

Those are like beautiful protection pieces that your body has adapted to throughout your life. And then when we meet that with love, wow. And gratitude. Thank you. Thank you so much for keeping me safe. Thank you so much for giving me the message that this might be scary. And usually if it's scary or nervous, that means underneath is something really powerful about to change, a really powerful shift.

So I, I say, yeah, let's meet that. Let's give it so much love, acceptance and welcome it.

Passionistas: You know, a lot of the women in this community are over 50. Um. So they've gone through perimenopause or menopause or they're, you know, in that transition or they've been in relationships that have lasted 20, 30 years or longer.

What advice do you have specifically for those women who are maybe kind of feeling less into this kind of stuff than they used to be? Mm-hmm.

Melanie: Um, well, I'm in per menopause myself. Uh, um, so I want to invite. All women, especially in peri and menopause, to know that your pleasure is an inside job. It's, it involves so much more than just an orgasm.

Um, and it starts with you. Um, it starts with how alive and on fire about your entire life. Are you, how turned on by your daily routine? And can you uplevel some of those smaller asset? Effects. Like when you're holding your cup of coffee, are you really taking that moment to feel the warmth of the cup, to feel the steam on your face to like allow that warm liquid to enter your body and follow it all the way down?

I mean, there are moments where I'm like, oh my God. Go look. Go look. I gotta go. We all have those, but it's taking and claiming those small moments of pleasure, those are pleasure, and recognizing them as pleasure. I call like, to call 'em micro moments of pleasure, and it really allows us, especially as women, to eventually make better decisions, be more embodied, to be empowered with our, our entire body in, in that space.

So it's first understanding that, that your pleasure is an inside job, that you are actually born with those holistic sex tools, breath work, uh, connection, mindfulness. Movement sounding, all of that, you can start having this connection with your yoni, which is the Sanskrit word for vulva, but it involves also the energetic portal of your.

Of vulva and your womb space, whether you have the physical organ or not. So it's creating a new perspective and new connection. Our womb space is like this portal of intuition and wisdom, and most of the time we're up here in the brains, but when we bring our focus down, when we start to honor that gut feeling.

That's inviting yourself deeper into your body. I think that especially in this country, menopause has such a negative connotation. Other, other cultures, uh, especially in the east, it's like a spring. It's actually an awakening in women's bodies. Um, and when we start to rephrase it, re talk differently to ourselves like.

What an honor it is to be going through this stage of life. I'm still alive. Heck yeah. Like, let's go. Uh, and then I love to use the yoni eggs. So I love to use, um, a small egg that, ooh, usually it's on my desk, but I did sex magic yesterday. It's in my room. Um, but the yoni egg for me, it. Creates so much internal awareness where after having four kids, I.

Was so shut down from the belly button down, like from my c-section scar down. Uh, I, I couldn't name where my G-spot was. I didn't, I mean, I knew where my clitoris was, but I didn't know actually how long and beautiful and big the clitoris is. And when we're using that yoni egg, it actually, for me, it created so much more connection to my internal anatomy.

Then when you're squeezing all of our pelvic floor muscles around that hard, hard, hard egg, mine is actually made outta jade. But it comes in crystals, comes in all kinds of different gemstones. Um, you're actually giving that tissue a deep, deep, deep tissue massage. It's kind of like, um, if you want a deep tissue massage from a therapist, you say like, really get in there.

Even flesh inside of your vulva doesn't, doesn't give you that hardness. And so there's actually so much trauma, especially birth trauma, um, abuse that lives inside of that energetic portal of our pelvic bowl. So that hard, hard material allows that tissue to soften. You kind of, you breathe in and you squeeze and you exhale and you release.

And that for me. It keeps my pussy so juicy, so wet, so prime. Um, and again, that's a meat practice. I do that. I give myself pleasure with that. I schedule it in my calendar so that way I'm showing up for pleasure. You had to choose. If you don't, if you don't change your choices and you don't choose something different, you're really.

Choosing the same thing, the same pattern. So I would invite any woman who's interested in, in really reconnecting to the fire and the beauty that's inside of your vulva, especially in perimenopause or menopause, to look at some of those, um, more ancient practices that are not really, uh, talked about in our culture.

Passionistas: So talk about the balance you have in your practice with the soul, the soul, and all of the beautiful things you've been talking about and the science of it all.

Melanie: Mm, yes. So I, um, you know, for a long time I was always. Kind of searching for that soulfulness, searching for, I, I didn't find it in organized religion when I was a kid.

I could go into a church. Um, either my friend was Catholic, so if I spent the night at her house, we went to Catholic Services the next day, uh, my parents went to Lutheran, uh, Lutheran church, and that was sort of, it felt outside of my body. And I just never really had that connection. Um, but now growing up and evolving and continuously seeking actually, uh, spiritual guides and teachers, I've found that, um, that.

Spirituality is inside all of us. That, that deep love, whether you use God or Jesus, or you know, whatever word you wanna use for it, it's that sacredness and it's alive inside of all of us. Um, that's my, that's my view. That's what I think. Um, but that definitely flows into, into my work and into, um, into how we approach love, sex, and relationship.

How we approach ourselves. Um, you know, like how I mentioned. For me, getting into anger was, was a little scary because I've been taught so much that that's, that's wrong. We don't wanna be angry. Definitely don't be bitchy. Ooh. Um, but. Finding the sacred fire that's inside of our anger. Talking about the sacred elements that come up alive for you and how that's actually so much power that that women especially don't necessarily tap into because we've been taught not to.

So that sacredness for me, I've just had a longing my whole life and finding. Finding the fact that I could find God in the tree outside. Wow. That's that it felt like all coming home and it's still like this awakening and evolving inside, inside of me.

Passionistas: How can we normalize? Talking about this, you're talking about sex and relationships and pleasure. How can we all work together to make it more of an acceptable topic?

Melanie: Um, well, I think just having these conversations, thank you ladies for having me on your podcast. Um, um, but, you know, finding your group of people that you can really sit down and, and have these conversations with. Finding, whether it's friends of people at the gym, your coworkers, uh, probably not coworkers, um, but you know, finding your group where you can really talk about this stuff because we don't talk about it.

And so we're isolated. But yeah, we're all experiencing the same thing. You know, it's like when you're having a dinner with somebody and or you see people having dinner and everyone's on their phone. Well, you're missing what we're all experiencing together. We're all experiencing. Sex pleasure, a desire for it together.

And, you know, even, even the word desire, a lot of folks don't know what they desire because they haven't felt safe enough to feel that. So even just stepping into the realm of like, Hey, what do you desire, like in your relationship? What do you desire in your body? What do you desire to experience? And that conversation could feel really scary.

And if it does. Again, welcome that fear, because that's a sacred protection. That's, that's your nervous system saying, hold on there. There has been real threat of danger in our past, in past lives, in history that if you're too bold, especially around sex, you could, you could die. So it's that nervous system, like, whew, thank you, nervous system.

So it's finding people that your nervous system feels safe with. Time.

Passionistas: And how has social media impacted your work and the conversation around sexuality?

Melanie: Well, for me, social media is, uh, I love it. 'cause I can go out there and kind of say things and bring it to the masses, but then I'm also super shadow banned for saying the things that I say.

So if I say pussy, I'm flagged right away. If I, you know, it's funny, I just kind of started going into TikTok because everyone's like, TikTok is where you should be, but I'm like, girl, uh, I'm in my forties. I've got kids. Like I don't need another platform. But at the same time I'm like, all right, but you know, the things that got.

Get banned on Instagram are so different than the things that get banned on TikTok. It's really bizarre. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it all out. Um, but to create space even I find that people are, tend to be lurkers, uh, where they're listening to what I say. They are taking it in, but they will never comment and they will never say anything, you know, drop a, drop an emoji.

Nope. They're not safe enough to do that, and so I need to just tell myself that it's okay. People are listening because on the street I'll run into some people and be like, they're, oh, you know, your post the other day was so great. I'm like, well, how?

Passionistas: Oh yeah. Well someday we'll all loosen up a little bit.

So how can people get in touch with you to work with you?

Melanie: Um, well, you can visit my website. It's my name, melanie bonk.com. Um, they can reach out on the socials, like I said. Um, on Instagram, I'm at bonk better. 'cause I'm here to help you bonk better and um, yeah, if you reach out, if you go visit my website, I actually have right away on my homepage, there's a free connection practice.

So if you're in that realm of wanting something more with your partner, but don't know where to start, it's a beautiful guided practice, which is. Really awesome for couples because it takes the pressure off of everybody. 'cause there's just this goofy lady who is giving us directions and we're just gonna like, have a good time and go with her guidance.

And so it's so gentle, so slow. Um, I drop you into sacred space. Um, I invite you into start feeling what your couple bubble looks like, which is this beautiful, organic thing that I. Help couples create where they can feel safe, where they feel connected, where there's none of that judgment and shame. It's just this beautiful space for couples to come in together.

Um, so there's a free connection practice. There's a couple, there's three or four other freebies on my website and, um, I'm actually really happy to be launching. I launched last year and we're really starting to hit the ground with it. Um, it's the Bon Better Date Night membership. Um, so this is the same thing, so you don't have to.

Do all of that work. We're busy people. We have so many things going on, and even the thought of like a date night can feel overwhelming. And so this is once a month we drop into space. I guide in a whole 90 minute date night. And during that 90 minutes, we are connecting. We're having communication practice.

Like I said, it's, it's really going through all of those things we're communicating. Um, I'm giving God giving prompts that sometimes they're fun, sometimes they're really deep, but we're always communicating and starting out there, we're opening up the heart, we're getting connected to that emotional intelligence.

And then I really. Bring up the energy, the breath work, the, uh, desire inside of your relationship. And after the 90 minutes, you're like, if you're not already naked, you're ready to take your clothes off. Uh, and then I stop the zoom and everybody goes along on their own little way. So that's a beautiful, um.

Uh, opportunity if you do wanna increase the pleasure in your relationship to have it. So it's so much less pressure. And it's only 49 bucks a month, so it's cheaper than dinner in a movie. Um, and then I also have in that date night membership, there's a community, so there's a weekly prompt. So we're always building and anticipating for, for the date night and keeping that communication alive.

Um, so that's a really great way to, you can check that out on my website too. Follow me on the socials. Like I said, I'm Shadow Band, so it's a slow growth. Um, it's all organic, there's no bots. Um, and it's a team of just me, so it takes it, you know, it's, we're moving and we're shaking. Um, if you really wanna get into a little bit more of a.

A space where it's full permission for women. I've got a Facebook group that's for women only. It's called the Licious Booty Club. Um, it's private, so you have to DM me to get into it. Um, so you can go ahead and send that information. But it's a space where we're, uh, cheering each other on, helping each other level up.

And it's none of that like competition. It's just pure collaboration and joy and bliss and yeah, some really fun guided weekly practices. So yeah, just reach out.

Passionistas: Love that. That's so cool.

Melanie: Yeah.

Passionistas: So we have one last two part question.

Melanie: Okay.

] Passionistas: Which is, what is your dream for yourself and what is your dream for women?

Melanie: Ooh. Um, my dream for myself, just the word abundance is coming up and that looks like so many, so much different things. Abundant joy, abundant travel, abundant play, um, abundant income, um, I'm not gonna lie, um, abundant happiness for my family and health. Um, so that's really, that's really. I think the, what just feels good right now, out of nowhere.

Um, and then for women, whew. Well, I just wanna use, use that same word like abundant pleasure. Abundant permission to be who you are. Abundant power that's already inside of you, letting it come up and out and just start to own this space in this world. And we're moving into the matriarchy, out of the patriarchy.

So like we are at this forefront. I just wanna say to every woman like it is all inside of you. You are born perfectly. You are absolutely stunning and magnificent, and it's just remembering and you are a fully orgasmic, blissful woman, and it's, your body always knows it. So your mind might not remember or might think that you're broken and you're not, and it's inside of you.

You just need to step into that remembrance and that fire.

Passionistas: Thanks for listening to the Passionistas Project Podcast. As real life sisters, best friends and business partners, we know how rare it is to have a built-in support system. But we also know that so many women activists, solopreneurs, and purpose-driven people are out there doing it alone and wishing they had a community like ours.

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